Life Is Strange Episode 1 – stop making such shitty games, okay?

So I snatched this game like that bitch last nite, you know, cuz the concept sounded great, you know. I imagined this game liek fuckin’ Back to teh future combined with FAQ About Time Travel – that HBO movie, you seen dat? Do it instead if playing this shit of a game. I’m fucking disappointed that once again, game developers are throwing on players their fucked up believes and ideology full of fucking teenage lesbians smoking weed and playing with their ham sandwiches. Fucking stop dat shit! You wanna know what is this game like? Imagine that boring french movie Blue is teh warmest color with pussy licking in between the lines combined with Gone Home full of “fuck patriarchy” shit and hairy armpits. Got it? Now this is Life Is Strange Episode 1!

Alright, there’s no scissors fuck yet, but expect that shit in episode 2. You don’t trust me? The game is rated M – M for MATURE and looking at ESRB, it contains – blood, strong language, violence, use of drugs and… sexual themes, so really get ready for that lesbian action in episode 2! Some reviewer wrote this about the game, fucking dumbass, quote:

“Like a Stephen King novel mixed with Gone home.”

Don’t fucking dare put in one sentence master of horror Stephen with that shitty game! Hey, now you’re thinking: “Shut the fuck up mrostka, you didn’t even played Gone Home, it was such beautiful game.” You don’t fuckin’ know me pal, I played that shit, expecting some horror shit, but instead, that game gave me fucking posters of Jodie Foster and some comics about kicking patriarchy in teh ass. I was walking in empty house slowly realising there’s no fucking satanistic exorcist black magic shit going on, instead I found out that my sister is a fucking pussy licker that reads feminist shit before she goes to sleep. What the fuck?! I fucking vomited guys, I fucking vomited on my keyboard when I finished that game, and it took me only 30 minutes go through it.

But this article is about Life Is Strange Episode 1, so lets go back to it. It’s short, most of the tiem you’re just sitting in a school listening to shit (most of you do that IRL every day, so why do it again in a fucking game?) or you’re watching unplayable movie sequences where fucking blue hair lesbian is listening to some emo shit music and that other is like: “I would liek a ham sandwich.”, confused lesbian. Characters in this game are openly copying characters from Blue is teh warmest color (which I was watching only because of teh lesbian porn scenes, the rest of movie was just pure shit full of mumbling, crying and eating a snot while crying).

The main character, liek a true lesbian hipster, is a photographer who likes to use fucking polaroid to take photos, wow, such hipster shit. The other main character, blue hair lesbian (where do we already saw that, huh?), is bit of a rebel, smoking weed, wearing some lame “punk girl-band” shirts, telling everyone to “fuck off”, and of course she has tattoos! Game critics are praising the game like something special, calling it a masterpiece and such, what the fuck is wrong with this whole gaming industry and gaming press. Are they all completely retarded?

Lets analyze this screenshot, it’s room of one of the girls, that blue hair one:

In this game you can rewind time back, but this feature is not integrated and utilized properly. It’s just a simple mechanics, nothing deep and complex, once again, disappointment. You can’t kill a fucking butterfly and then expect raining donuts, you know what I mean? I was imagining this game to be liek that episode from teh Simpsons. Changing some shit, going back, seeing what has changed. But you can’t expect such complex shit here.

So what you get? Fucking annoying teenage girls dressing like lesbian hipsters, hesitating to admit that they want a juicy ham sandwich in their mouth. What next? Poorly made feature about rewinding the tiem back. Alright, is that all? Nope, on top of that you’ll get some hipster emo shit music full of acoustic guitar. So I’m telling ya, avoid this game, it’s just another Gome home combined with Blue is teh warmest color full of lesbian shit and brainwashing, using manipulative subliminal techniques to raise another generation of lesbian feminazi bitchez. Trust me. Avoid it!